You never know

Two mornings ago Leland told me very matter of factly he'd not be with me any more in two days.  I asked him to clarify and he said he'd be with my papa who had died last summer.  Off and on these last two days he's mentioned it.   I'm sure he is just trying to process the funeral and viewing he attended.  But the more I have thought about it the more my heart worries he may know something I don't.   So today since it is his believed last day I took my darling boy to lunch and on my errands to target where he very happily was captain of our pirate ship... We drove through storms and escaped giant squid and talked of hiding in the Lego isle.  Amid all this he very seriously asked if my papa would take care of him when he got there.  I assured him all of his great grandparents would but especially my papa and my grandma Majel.  I am sure Leland will see many more days, but I am also sure the veil is still a little thin as he seems to understand so much more than we,have taught him.  With that said today has been emotional for me.  I find myself reflecting on all I want him to know, every little thing I love about him.  His spark and enthusiasm for creating and loving.  And that it was him who made me a mom.  I love him more than words can express and I hope he knows that.  I am looking forward to the many years I will have with him to enjoy his grins and giggles, his tenderness and love for those around him and his new found bond with his brother Max. Love you man man.... And thank you for reminding me what really matters even if you did make me an emotional mess for two days.

 There is an iPad Mini giveaway. happening over at smart apps for kids.  I love that site and have gotten many a free educational apps for Leland there.  We use their website to find out what is free for what amount of time and pick up the ones we think we might like and sometimes ones we don't know if we'll like.  Since we can always re download them later.  I love that there is a site to review apps too because there are some really crummy ones out there!  Check them out!

Oh my heavens.

We have had a rough couple months here on the Hamilton household. Blissful in some as we find joy in the small delights Leland loving his bike and science and Max walking and starting to talk. We have been so very blessed but also seen the darker days. My sister reminded me to write things down so I could remember the good and the bad, this is my attempt.  Obviously a lot of time has passed hopefully I will remember enough to write it down. Having blogger on my phone will make it a bit easier! So if you are reading along know it's mostly for me  ;-)

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My Sweet Grandpa passed away last night.  I'm so, so very glad that I was able to see him two weeks ago and introduce him to my boys.  That interaction was so sweet and so fun to watch.  Grandpa always said "my stars" when I was growing up whenever he saw us kids and this visit proved to be the same, but when he saw Max he said oh boy, what a little chunk, then he saw/ met Leland and he was really tickled.   He only got sweeter with age. He will be missed by many he left behind especially his sweet wife, he passed away just 9 days short of their 70th anniversary.  (I wrote this back in August when my grandpa passed.)

Holy 30 Batman

I turn 30 on Friday... I am mostly ok with this.  I hear 30 is great and it's when you really get comfy in your skin...  But it is mostly made ok by my sweet boys.  Leland heard Hope and I talking about my Birthday and when questioned what he was going to get for me (Hope asked) he said he had to think about it.  That was the end of that subject or so I guessed.  The next day I ran Max to the doctor thinking he had an ear infection, but really he is just getting all 4 of his front teeth on the top ( poor kid) and when we got home Leland came to the door to announce he had a surprise for me.   I blew the poor kid off, trying to get the groceries and Max inside and when he finally got my attention I didn't realize what he was showing me (a lego bag filled with his toys) until later in the day after Brian had gone to work, he held it up again and said "you didn't even look in your present.  I added more.  I am just like Santa.  Do you like it Mom?  Happy Birthday!"  

It's official I have the cutest kid ever.  I win.  Sorry that you all lose. 

Ipad2 Giveaway from SmartApps for Kids

Click here to see the details of this giveaway :)

Trying to Remember

There are so many things I want to remember and so many things I forget before I write them down! As of late I have had some experiences that have been a little scary for me, my brian seems to sometimes just stop, and I feel that lapse and it's a might bit scary. But I think I have that resolved and I am hoping that I will be able to remember better, remember the sweet sweet things I love about my boys. But maybe I will also remember to write it down! So that I can revisit it in years to come when my memory may be for reals broken.

Leland and I spend almost every night together as I cuddle him into me and we sing for bed time. We always start with a prayer and move onto songs and while some days I am irritated that Brian never steps in to do bed time when I am tired and or need/want to go out I cherish that time. It's usually just me and Leland, sometimes Max has to join us but those are rare occasions. It is our time to reconnect after a day of yelling or laughing whatever has come our way, we seem to reconnect every night. I need that since I am pretty much as Brian calls me the bad cop. Leland responds to me better. I am louder and a little more mean than Brian but he still loves me. A few weeks ago as I laid next to him and sang we got to our "I see the moon song" I love this because the last line is "So God bless the one I love" and Leland always sleepily says "Me?" and I always respond yes, this night he added on "and Max?" "and Dad?" and when all were answered he looked at me and put his little chubby hand on my face and said "I'm sorry I use the hate word mama. It's not a nice word" and then rolled over as I finished up our last song. He knows I hate that he uses that word.... guess I can't blame him though can I? I just used it without even thinking about it.

Today Max was sitting on the floor waiting for his bottle, playing with some books when Leland came up to him to sit and "read" with him. It was a pretty darling moment. I love watching them interact more, and as Max gets bigger Leland is enjoying him more. A few days ago he told me he was excited for Max to be getting bigger because it means that soon he will be able to play back. Which makes me smile.

I am lucky to be a mama to such a sweet boy, and I love being a mama, but it hasn't always and isn't always so easy for me to love it. I miss being spontaneous, I miss getting my review at work and knowing I've had an amazing 6 months or year, I miss having days off and privacy in the bathroom. I wouldn't change it for the world, I just wished I had known what a hard transition it is. I would have been better prepared to handle the depression stints and down days had I known. BUT with all things comes wisdom and as I learn and grow I think I am becoming a better parent. I still yell far too much, and I still get angry over spilled drinks but I am learning to manage that. If I am angry it's because I choose to be angry. My dad always taught me that, and I have never been able to really grasp that concept till recently when my brother reminded me of it. I have a LONG way to go before I perfect it and it probably won't be in this life time. BUT I will get there. We went to dinner last Monday for family night, and Leland spilled his sprite ALL over me, the floor and the diaper bag... instead of yelling at him I quickly moved the diaper bag, righted the cup and asked for some paper towels. I think Brian was in shock, because my normal reaction would have been to yell at him and curse, I could tell Leland expected it when I looked up at him while mopping up the mess he looked terrified, and so relieved when I told him accidents happen, and to be a little more careful next time. You know what I felt a bazillion times better than I would have if I had flipped out... I need to remember that. I also need to remember that my little Lee although he is a huge kid, is a complete softy, and if I want him to remain sweet and loving I need to instill it in him, and all my yelling and anger isn't going to do that. So little by little I will work on myself, so that I can raise him to be the man he is supposed to be. I just hope I am up to the challenge!