Housewarming

We however even with the last bummed out post had a lovely gathering today at our house. It was so fun to have everyone over and to just sit and chat it up. I am so grateful to have wonderful friends and family who would come to support on a rainy day! Thank you thank you thank you!

PS Hope and Phoebe thanks for going to dinner with me... and listening me dominate the conversation with all my mom crap:D I love you both TONS!

TMI?

Ok so I know that most of you don't want to hear my sob story, and most of you have better sob stories but with that said I just need to put out there some feelings.... over the past four days I have convinced myself multiple times a day that I really could /could not be pregnant. Yes you read that right, I was 4/5 days late and I was sure that was a sign... Why isn't my body responding to the clomid like it used to? Why do I feel crazy? Yeah and it was in that moment that I felt totally broken and I dreaded talking to Brian, I didn't want to tell him I wasn't pregnant because I could see it written all over his face the excitement that it might actually be happening and I told him anyway cause how do you hid it when you are already a crying mess in the bathroom, and he just hugged me and told me we have time. And its so true we do, we have plenty of time, he is happy with what we have (even though he LOVES babies... this was news to him as he was never around them growing up) He will love me even if we have to adopt some day and that will be fine. (you know you always say you would adopt in a heart beat, but once you are struggling with infertility its like an emotional roller coaster... I am sure I will get there... )


I realized tonight though that I had more little tender mercies... I have a Lord who is aware of my hurts and my sadness when I have to go through these ups and downs.... I have someone to talk to through it and tell Him my fears and hopes and not be told "don't worry it will happen" or "you haven't even been through what other people have" He just knows that this is hard for me. He knows that every time I see a little baby my heart aches and He has given me friends to uplift and help me along this path. He has given me a sister who has been through it who gets the ups and downs, and I totally get now why she texted all of the heart wrenching tidbits, you have to share it with someone who loves you more than you sometimes realize. I have been given wonderful blessings and need to just be patient and I am sure I will receive more. And that is Dang hard my friends. It helps to have such a beautiful boy who constantly reminds me he loves me even when he decides to act like he may have spawned from somewhere else. I have a husband who supports me and lets me cry about nothing even if it makes him nervous. I am so lucky to have what I have. And to receive tender mercies like I had last week at church to re read my patriarical blessing and see the words your children multiple times. Sometimes its really hard to see the silver lining and sometimes its so simple... I hope that I can look for the silver lining more often... so that I can be the wife and mother I am supposed to be.

My Monkey!

Here is my Leland in his natural habitat... He is a monkey I know that this isn't that high off the ground but this kid climbs on everything... and jumps on my couch... after he takes the cushions off...

He also apparently thinks I will go away if he closes his eyes.... This was taken just seconds after he smiled at me cocked his head to the side and said "Hi" that is what he does when he thinks he is in trouble and I have to admit its darling.

Sisters

SO while my sister Annie was out for a visit we (me Annie, mom and Miranda) went to the famed Sam Moon... if any of ya'll have ever been to the metroplex I am sure someone you have met has RAVED about Sam Moon, I am not a total girly girl but I do enjoy purses and they have a TON of those so I generally go to peruse the purses. On this last trip we went to a different kind of Sam Moon (yeah they take on Luggage and it makes it a whole new store) and Annie found this gem.

If you can't read it, it says God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends. We both had a good laugh and then I said I would hang that in my house... so she bought it for me... I am going to hang it above my computer! Now I just need to get pictures of all of us sisters to put around it:D

Just a side note I don't think any of us are lucky enough to be on Prozac!

Best Christmas Gifts

I think Amy and I often "rig" our Christmas drawings (we pick names otherwise it can get very pricey to buy for all of our family!) so that one of us gets Emily, she is SO crafty (so is Amy) and this year I got her! I LOVE what she made for me! I got homemade cards and a frame to go with a word board that she made me that says "I hope they call me on a mission" and the frame she made to go with it says Leland Valiant son of God. Which you can read clearly but yeah...

Anywho today I am thankful for such crafty sisters!

Who needs a Canvas

I left Leland just diapered after bath today since we have had warmer weather and he likes to be nakie... although he did want his socks and slippers on.... but he somehow managed to get into a box I keep high on a shelf that has his "fun" markers you know the ones that don't need special paper to work:D Well he was so lovely I had to document it. I wish I had the one after he got it smeared onto his face but he broke my camera card reader so I will have to figure it out another day.

I adore this child more than anything. He always makes me laugh, and reminds me that life can be pretty darn sweet.

I found the cord to the camera so I could upload this one... Possibly my fave! He looks like a child of the 80's! And thats chocolate dribble... such a good mom!

Update on my Fertility... if this is too much for you just pass on by

I have been on clomid for 4 months now. 3 of those months I have been on 100mgs that's 5 days of 100mgs. That a LOT of extra hormones. I have been feeling off lately these last few weeks especially. I do NOT like it... look at me using capitals... I usually try to avoid that cause it makes me a little crazy.... Anywho I have been forgetting things, and I haven't slept well and I just don't feel good. Now I have always believed that the Lord moves you to where you need to be and can move others to you that you need. I have been moved (technically 2 houses) close to a woman in my ward who has an alternative that worked for her when her and her husband had been trying for 5 years (that makes my 1 and 1/2 years look lame by the by) and today at church I stopped her after the block of meetings and asked her some questions. I would normally never shoot so straight on such a sensitive subject but I asked her when she was getting her adoptive son (its a cool story I am sure I will post on here later about it) and that launched the whole topic. She has gone to a chiropractor (who happens to be our bishop) / nutritionist. He has done wonders for how she has felt about life in general, not to mention the end result of a pregnancy and enough progesterone to keep the pregnancy. While I am not one for holistic medicine and in fact I have laughed at it plenty I think I may actually go meet with him and just see. Granted my insurance doesn't have him on the list but I may just try and talk with him and see if we can't work out some sort of deal. I really am not looking for an alternative I know that if I stayed on hormones I would be ok (possibly) and it could even result in a pregnancy but I look at the next four months and I kinda want to cry. Brian is going to school full time and working full time starting on Tuesday, its going to be a grueling schedule but one that he thinks he can tackle. That means all day Monday and almost all day Tuesday I won't see my husband. Yes I realize that so many women do it all the time, and some women don't see their husbands for much longer (which is why I stayed away from any kind of uniform mind you) but being hopped up on extra hormones I think will only add to the tension and stress that I am sure will be building around our schedule. SO I think I will give this a try. Clomid has been working bringing me closer and closer to a normal cycle, but at what price. Me feeling crazy and constantly wanting to cry. So I will keep y'all posted and hopefully I can soon be claiming the same thing... I have never felt better in my life, would be exciting words for me to utter after these last 4 months.