HI

Its been a long time since I have posted regularly and I think I just feel too guilty about not posting enough or catching up... SO I am not going to catch up... just start over. :) I have too much to worry about without worrying about the blog.

Today was an interesting day. It went from being 85 to 45 and overcast. I don't mind... heavens knows I don't want the summer to start too early... that would be miserable. But it totally corresponded with my mood. I currently dislike going to church... NO I am not going inactive, I just hate going without Brian and because of his school schedule he is currently working Sundays. Thankfully he graduates in May, but it makes going to church a lot more challenging. My son makes it extremely difficult to be patient, I love him to bits... but he has all of my spunk and independence bottled up inside of him (today as we were late because I was making carrot cake, which I don't even like mind you) but today as we were walking in late to sit with Ame's family as I opened the door (thankfully they were still singing) Leland said totally loud "I'm Here Guys!" and took off to go sit by Ame... which was fine... and everyone who heard him had a good laugh... as I just shook my head and smiled. But then I felt like the whole time I was sitting there I was being judged, he was squirmy and couldn't sit through the prayers for sacrament and got really excited about his water... which he totally said loudly as well. I know its all in my head but its still there. Church is hard for me. I feel totally alone in the ward unless I am with Ame, I know this is not true. That people have tried to reach out but because of our schedule being so different we just can't connect, or not having a car or whatnot. It gets old feeling alone on Sunday's and its hard. And yes I realize thats my fault but still.

I spent two hours this morning making carrot cake... I don't even like carrot cake. But apparently I make a good carrot cake (thanks mom for the recipe) its all from scratch and takes a while and a lot of dishes especially when you are having to grate your own carrots.... And then the plans we had for the cake got cancelled and I was really looking forward to them. I am sure something important came up but still I was ticked that I had made this cake because of special request and now Brian would eat like one row and be done with it.... Not to mention this then meant I had to make dinner. But whatever... trying to be positive.

Then we had some Elders stop by. I am not sure why they keep stopping by but they do... and always on Sunday when they know Brian is at work. Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to catch him at home? Its odd really, they come and stand on my porch and we visit for a while,... they courtesy laugh a lot... and then I tell them nope there really is nothing they can do for me and they go. Its always pleasant but I always feel like they wonder how sane I am when they go. Oh and I ranted about the carrot cake to them... ended it with thats probably just the irrational pregnancy hormones talking, to which one of them said... No it sounds perfectly rational... It made me laugh.

Oh which brings up another concern... I am 20 pounds heavier than I was with Leland... what if I don't show... I realize to all you skinny mini's out there this doesn't matter.... but I would really like to show... I also realize that I am only 13 weeks so it will be a while... but still.

Anywho life goes on... I am trying to change my attitude, its not working.... SO I think I will go dye my hair or sit in a tub... something, anything to try and change how horribly depressed I feel.....

Note I totally didn't proof this before pushing post... but ya'll will survive right?