There are days....

When everything feels overwhelming. The slightest chore makes you want to cry and when your toddler insists that you do it, he is too tired pushes you to your limit. But today while it was one of those days, I realized something. For those of you who know me well, you know I can't throw up. It just doesn't work, my body refuses to let nature take its course when I get sick and thus I have created a real issue for myself when we are exposed to the sickness. Which we were recently by one of my sweet sisters boys. I can't tell you how many times I have repeated over and over "come what may, some day I will learn to deal with this sickness" in the last two days. But today I realized something a little bit more profound about myself, my love for my sister and my boy can transcend my fear of the pukes. Leland was the one directly "exposed" from hugs and possible kisses, and yet today when he wanted to be cuddled I fought the inner battle while holding him, realizing I can't not show my little love affection just because he might have been exposed to a sickness my mind makes SO sadly HUGE that I lose the ability to cope, and so when I would cuddle him or rub his back I would remind myself, I will be ok, regardless of what happens, it will be short lived and I will be ok. I realized this again as 3:30 came around and sister texted to ask me to cancel another one of her boy's doctors appointment because she was stuck at her appointment longer than she had anticipated, with her husband unable to help, and knowing that she had been stressed about the said boys situation I sucked it up and went to pick him up, even though she repeatedly told me not to (guess she should take me off the approved list is she doesn't want me to do doctors appointments with her kids ;)) and the whole time instead of feeling panicked I felt a peace, I was serving when it needed to be done, she hadn't dreamed of asking for it, because she knows my silly fears, but I knew she would rest better if I could fulfill this one need for her. And I am glad I did as he needed some medicine for his little lungs. She comes through for me all the time, and willingly serves even if it is the dreaded pukes and so I learned something valuable about myself today. I learned that I am driven more by love than by fear. That is pretty amazing because not too long ago I would have just cancelled that appointment and stayed home praying I wouldn't get sick. Don't get me wrong I am still praying I won't get sick, especially because I have an oral surgery set up for Thursday and my parents are coming the week after that for Christmas.

On a totally unrelated note I wanted to jot this down just so I could remember it. Tonight as I sat with Leland singing to him (I often sing him 3 or 4 songs and rarely I will sing till he is asleep) I was overcome with how much love I feel for my little man. He is amazing people. He is funny and sweet, spicy and thoughtful and he knows just what to say to melt my heart and get what he wants, and man am I so grateful to have him in my life! He is my joy and I love him to bits. I am one lucky mama.

Ugh....

My Leland goes to school in our school district for speech, it's an awesome program and we are lucky that he has an awesome teacher. His teacher asked me about 2 weeks before Max came if I would be interested in moving him from her class (which is a special ed only class and has about 8 or 9 kids in it) into an inclusion classroom. For those that may not know it speech classifies a child as Special ed, thus the inclusion classroom which is a fancy way of saying there are a few high achieving special ed kids in a class with "normal" functioning kids his age. I am all for this change, however, given the circumstances and all the changes at home I thought I would really like to wait a while and see how Leland handles the change, I expressed that to his teacher and told her I was fine to get the ball rolling (as with everything funded by the government there is a TON of paperwork for these poor teachers!) and we could put it on pause if Leland didn't handle it well, after all too much change makes most adults nervous and most of us have the ability to really understand whats happening, whereas a 4 year old has limited ability to really understand whats happening around him, even when you talk it over with them a million times their little mind just can't wrap around what is happening! I have noticed the typical regression behaviors around the house since things have settled and all our visitors and helpers have gone. For instance he used to wet the bed maybe once a month if that really he has been so good about it, but now its almost a nightly occurrence, and believe me, we have tried not giving him anything to drink 2 hours before bed time and it still happens, its gotten a little better and he is actually making it to the bathroom most nights now when/if he has to go, but holy frustrating batman! He has also become more defiant, normally I can ask him to do something and he gladly helps or does what ever is asked of him... Not the case these days he will yell in my face or tell me to do it. It gets old fast. These things are frustrating but totally expected. We have new boundaries in our house and that is tough for the little man, and shoot it's tough for me. I had hoped that things were still going well at school until today when I got the call from his teacher, she sounded nervous and I knew she was worried she would flip me out. (I guess I am that mom... the one that over communicates in hopes to make her job easier but really I just come off as a little obsessive, time to lay off the emails. :)) Luckily it was nothing huge but he has been more moody at school, crying easily and not participating when asked to. She was very kind about it all, but I can't help but feel like I suck as a mom. I know it's normal, I can say that till the cows come home, it doesn't make me feel any better. I guess I feel like I should have been able to prevent it all, which thankfully his teacher mentioned that if the child doesn't regress they usually think something is wrong on a bigger scale, so in a way I should be thankful he has regressed. A really long post to say that we postponed him moving classes until his ARD meeting at the end of January. When we meet then we will talk about him moving into the inclusion class, before that meeting I think he will spend two weeks going to the new class, which would mean new teachers and new kids. It will be interesting to see how well he handles the change, as well as how well I handle the change.

Can I also for the record say I hate that he has the label of special ed! I know it doesn't define him, as I was also in special ed, and this school record is closed out when he starts kindergarten, meaning that the teacher won't know about his special ed status unless he still needs help with speech. I realize that the above statement may make me sound mean and or judgmental, but I know how people react when I say that I was in special ed as a child, there is always this "no way..." reaction, when you can tell they are dying to know whats "wrong" with you. Well folks... Nothing is wrong with me. I am a slower learner than most which means I needed a little extra help in certain subjects and I did quite enjoy that hour of study hall in high school. But while I can explain that now easily I always felt like I was some kind of failure then, I wasn't as good as the other students etc. I suppose I really don't want Leland to feel like he isn't as good as other students, I know right now that's not the case, but if he continues in speech (which I honestly don't think there will be a need, he really is progressing nicely) he will start to feel it when he gets to the elementary school if that makes sense. I also feel like special ed can hinder an education, I guess now though they have a better understanding of it than they did maybe when I was in it. After all when I started the program it was 14 years ago, and when I look back I can honestly say that when I was in 8th grade and still having math lessons on adding and subtraction instead of getting pre algebra like my peers that that probably did more harm than help, since I struggled even more with my algebra classes and had to retake Algebra 1 since I did so poorly in it the first time around. I guess I am just worried about Leland having a label, but that is outweighed by how glad I am that he is learning to interact with all types of people and that his teacher (on a good day) writes notes home about how glad she is to have him in her class, that he is a good leader and friend to those in the class with more severe problems than he has. That is enough to make me proud of him and thankful that he has the opportunity to be in the program, I think beyond speech and learning to follow teacher guided activities he is learning that everyone is different, and how to be kind to everyone no matter the disability or label.

Maxwell's Blessing

Well yesterday we blessed our little guy at church. He looked pretty dang sweet in his blessing gown, one with lots of history and years on it. That little gown is over 60 years old. My mother Gretchen and her brothers were blessed in it. All of my siblings and I were blessed in it. All of my uncles children were blessed in it, as well as my sisters 5 kids and my others sisters 4 kids and now my 2 kids. I am unsure if Annie's little boy was blessed in it, but if he was that makes one more. It makes me happy to think that we have the opportunity to use such a special gown for the blessings, regardless of how many people asked me why my little boy was in a dress. Leland did remark as we were getting Maxwell ready that it was a "pretty girl dress."

Brian did a really excellent job on the blessing. He gets very nervous, and was worried

he would mumble, and while he did speak quietly it

was clear. He blessed our little Max to have strength and courage. A strong testimony and to make the right choices regardless of what others may think of him and to walk the narrow path. (hence why strength and courage are important.) That his Heavenly Father loves him, listens to him and will answer his prayers. A desire to serve others as well as serving a mission to share his gospel knowledge with others. And ended with the blessing that he will take his future wife to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. It was a great blessing and I couldn't be more blessed to have them both in my life. So grateful for the power of the priesthood and the blessings it brings into our lives.

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Interesting....

After Reading my friends birth story for her son, and a few others, mine included... isn't it interesting that we as women pass judgement on each other for how we choose to deliver our children, what method we use to feed them etc. instead of uplifting each other and supporting... We need to snap out of it and just love and support. There are enough things going on after you have a baby, worrying about what someone thinks or is going to say shouldn't be one of them. That is why I LOVE my kiddos doctor. At the one month check up he asked what I was feeding him and I said that today was the last day of supplementing with breast milk. I just don't have the supply and its so overwhelming and tiring to pump and remember to pump when you are out and about. I didn't even have to say that last part in my defense he just nodded noting that he remembered me being concerned about my supply and what formula was I using. No judgement, no questions. Just that he remembered (or had read in the notes before our appointment) that I had been stressed about my supply.

He's Just Punctual. (Very Wordy)

I know we are a month out but life gets amazingly busy and lets not even start with trying to find my groove... it's lost and may be forever. That is just how it goes I guess. Especially for those of us that had just found our groove! :) Maxwell Gene is here and I wanted to write a little bit of it down because lets face it I don't remember much of Leland's birth story, although I may post what I remember another day just so I have it!

Let me start by saying I started Braxton Hicks contractions at 28 weeks so I thought I was going to be a pro at this whole labor thing. I mean I never got to prove it with Leland since I only labored for 20 hours and it was mild, and then I went in for a c section. (10 of those hours I was sleeping with the help of some fabulous medicine, so not hard at all.) On top of the "fake" contractions "conditioning my body" I lost my mucus plug 5 weeks before Max was due. That said I felt so dumb as I told everyone I was sure I would have this baby any day SO not only was I disappointed but it seemed everyone else was too! I should also note we induced with Leland, so I had NO idea what to expect with labor and didn't want to be "that" mom who showed up to the hospital sure she was in labor only to be sent home. I would be embarrassed by that, because lets just say I have issues.

So my Mom came a week before my due date, because of a lot of different reasons, but the main one was I was struggling with daily life, let me tell you for those who come early or get induced its amazing how uncomfortable you get in just a weeks time. I for one was amazed at the difference between 39 weeks and 40!

So Tuesday the 27th I was willing to try anything to get this baby here. A lady in our ward swore by Castor Oil... I swear I will never touch the stuff again. Although it was nice to not have to worry about having a bowel movement while pushing, never again I say. We also tried some other things but that's just a TMI so moving on. Nothing happened. I felt out of sorts but the contractions just weren't happening. Around 2:30 on the 28Th, my actual due date, I woke up feeling terrible. Long wordy story short from 2:30 to 4:45 I paced my bathroom as the contractions got more and more painful I finally decided I would wake Brian up and just let him know I thought it was time to go, but I wanted to shower, but wanted someone else awake just in case anything went down. (hey I had just read a friends birth story where she had her baby in her bathroom....)

The shower was uneventful, I know you are all breathing a sigh of relief... But the contractions were coming closer together and were much more painful than before so I went to wake up Mom before getting ready myself. She was a nervous ball of energy excited to meet grand baby number 15. Brian the poor soul was not awake enough to deal with it all and instead of turning onto the right road to take Leland to Amy's he auto piloted towards the hospital. I was mid contraction trying to breath and not berate him, I only slightly succeeded at both mind you, but we got to the hospital after dropping Leland off in record time. Side note if your car has no shocks/ struts the ride is much worse than normal when you are in pain. :)

We got to the hospital around 5:45, got into a room around 6 and got all checked out and I was surprised to learn I was still only dilated to a 1, my first indicator that my body was taking its dear sweet time! I was certain they would send me home, I was also certain that in a few hours the pain would be more than I could handle without drugs. Doing a vbac means I was for sure getting an epidural, just in case we had to do an emergency c section, and I don't do well with pain, so regardless of how much better it is for the mother or the baby I was getting one! It was nice to use that as an excuse though...

My best friend Hope came up after she got done at work around 4ish in the afternoon to do birth photography for us. I am glad I had someone I loved and who loved me back to do that as it is SO personal and so incredibly humbling to have someone in the room who isn't blood or helped you get in the situation ;) I am glad to have the pictures even though I think I look terrible in them all. Let me just say the day progressed slowly water was broken at 10 am, I had the most fantastic nurse named Liz she reminded me of my dear friend Rosie, and when she left at 7pm she hugged us all and asked us to bring the baby by sometime since she was off the next 3 days. by 8 or 9 that night I was at my limit, I was a teary mess, I do not do well with endurance with no sure end in sight. Like if they had said, you will have this baby by midnight, I could have handled that so much better but the waiting was making things so much harder. I talked, scratch that, I cried while my Dad talked to me, trying to encourage me from California that I could do it, I felt better after having talked to him but still wanted a blessing. My greatest fear was that something wasn't going to go right or I was going to "fail" at my vbac attempt and have to have a section anyway after all that. So Hope's brother Ben came up and he and Brian blessed me and after that things seemed to pick up.

It was amazing to me that at 10pm when they said we were ready to start pushing how awake and ready I was to tackle that portion of the delivery. I had renewed purpose and the tears stopped, well mostly. They say its just pressure that you are feeling but even with an epidural pressure "hurts" especially when you are running on low epidural and need a "booster" but choose not to because you don't want to wait another 4 hours to walk. Pushing took 21 minutes, granted it felt like forever, but it wasn't. My nurse Jennifer, or was it Jessica... whatever kept telling me to give her all I had and I finally told her I was and to stop asking for it. That got laughs from some of the people in the room, but so did my repeated use of the word FLIP... Brian assured the nurses I was "editing" because my mom was there, which made all of them laugh. And there you have it. If you want the story of the afterbirth you will have to ask my Mom, she loves to tell the story... and so does my doctor. Fun times!

Maxwell Gene Hamilton born at 10:21 (or was it 10:12, I can't remember :)) 9 pounds 1 ounce 21 inches long. He just wanted to make sure he came when he was expected and join the small percentage of babies actually born on their due dates.

P.S. at some point during the day my epidural came unhooked and the medicine was going all over the floor. The only way we caught it was that I was suddenly in more pain than I wanted to be.... Do I get a discount on the epidural??? :)

Birthday Boy!

Leland turns 4 this month. He also gets a brother... Not sure how he feels about that last one... especially since his brother is due any day, and I personally think it would stink to have to share a birthday with a sibling. I love all of mine but it would still stink... I want my own day dang it! :) I can't believe how big he is getting or how handsome! Sure love this boy!

A few things he loves... Capitan America, Spiderman and above all IRON MAN! He is going to school partial day and learning all sorts of new things. He goes for speech and has a blast. He is one well loved boy and I am thankful for that! Also I love when he plays with his super heros that he talks deeper... thus making duck lips to achieve that goal... its darling!