Sunday, April 1, 2012

Trying to Remember

There are so many things I want to remember and so many things I forget before I write them down! As of late I have had some experiences that have been a little scary for me, my brian seems to sometimes just stop, and I feel that lapse and it's a might bit scary. But I think I have that resolved and I am hoping that I will be able to remember better, remember the sweet sweet things I love about my boys. But maybe I will also remember to write it down! So that I can revisit it in years to come when my memory may be for reals broken.

Leland and I spend almost every night together as I cuddle him into me and we sing for bed time. We always start with a prayer and move onto songs and while some days I am irritated that Brian never steps in to do bed time when I am tired and or need/want to go out I cherish that time. It's usually just me and Leland, sometimes Max has to join us but those are rare occasions. It is our time to reconnect after a day of yelling or laughing whatever has come our way, we seem to reconnect every night. I need that since I am pretty much as Brian calls me the bad cop. Leland responds to me better. I am louder and a little more mean than Brian but he still loves me. A few weeks ago as I laid next to him and sang we got to our "I see the moon song" I love this because the last line is "So God bless the one I love" and Leland always sleepily says "Me?" and I always respond yes, this night he added on "and Max?" "and Dad?" and when all were answered he looked at me and put his little chubby hand on my face and said "I'm sorry I use the hate word mama. It's not a nice word" and then rolled over as I finished up our last song. He knows I hate that he uses that word.... guess I can't blame him though can I? I just used it without even thinking about it.

Today Max was sitting on the floor waiting for his bottle, playing with some books when Leland came up to him to sit and "read" with him. It was a pretty darling moment. I love watching them interact more, and as Max gets bigger Leland is enjoying him more. A few days ago he told me he was excited for Max to be getting bigger because it means that soon he will be able to play back. Which makes me smile.
I am lucky to be a mama to such a sweet boy, and I love being a mama, but it hasn't always and isn't always so easy for me to love it. I miss being spontaneous, I miss getting my review at work and knowing I've had an amazing 6 months or year, I miss having days off and privacy in the bathroom. I wouldn't change it for the world, I just wished I had known what a hard transition it is. I would have been better prepared to handle the depression stints and down days had I known. BUT with all things comes wisdom and as I learn and grow I think I am becoming a better parent. I still yell far too much, and I still get angry over spilled drinks but I am learning to manage that. If I am angry it's because I choose to be angry. My dad always taught me that, and I have never been able to really grasp that concept till recently when my brother reminded me of it. I have a LONG way to go before I perfect it and it probably won't be in this life time. BUT I will get there. We went to dinner last Monday for family night, and Leland spilled his sprite ALL over me, the floor and the diaper bag... instead of yelling at him I quickly moved the diaper bag, righted the cup and asked for some paper towels. I think Brian was in shock, because my normal reaction would have been to yell at him and curse, I could tell Leland expected it when I looked up at him while mopping up the mess he looked terrified, and so relieved when I told him accidents happen, and to be a little more careful next time. You know what I felt a bazillion times better than I would have if I had flipped out... I need to remember that. I also need to remember that my little Lee although he is a huge kid, is a complete softy, and if I want him to remain sweet and loving I need to instill it in him, and all my yelling and anger isn't going to do that. So little by little I will work on myself, so that I can raise him to be the man he is supposed to be. I just hope I am up to the challenge!

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