Tuesday, December 13, 2011

There are days....

When everything feels overwhelming. The slightest chore makes you want to cry and when your toddler insists that you do it, he is too tired pushes you to your limit. But today while it was one of those days, I realized something. For those of you who know me well, you know I can't throw up. It just doesn't work, my body refuses to let nature take its course when I get sick and thus I have created a real issue for myself when we are exposed to the sickness. Which we were recently by one of my sweet sisters boys. I can't tell you how many times I have repeated over and over "come what may, some day I will learn to deal with this sickness" in the last two days. But today I realized something a little bit more profound about myself, my love for my sister and my boy can transcend my fear of the pukes. Leland was the one directly "exposed" from hugs and possible kisses, and yet today when he wanted to be cuddled I fought the inner battle while holding him, realizing I can't not show my little love affection just because he might have been exposed to a sickness my mind makes SO sadly HUGE that I lose the ability to cope, and so when I would cuddle him or rub his back I would remind myself, I will be ok, regardless of what happens, it will be short lived and I will be ok. I realized this again as 3:30 came around and sister texted to ask me to cancel another one of her boy's doctors appointment because she was stuck at her appointment longer than she had anticipated, with her husband unable to help, and knowing that she had been stressed about the said boys situation I sucked it up and went to pick him up, even though she repeatedly told me not to (guess she should take me off the approved list is she doesn't want me to do doctors appointments with her kids ;)) and the whole time instead of feeling panicked I felt a peace, I was serving when it needed to be done, she hadn't dreamed of asking for it, because she knows my silly fears, but I knew she would rest better if I could fulfill this one need for her. And I am glad I did as he needed some medicine for his little lungs. She comes through for me all the time, and willingly serves even if it is the dreaded pukes and so I learned something valuable about myself today. I learned that I am driven more by love than by fear. That is pretty amazing because not too long ago I would have just cancelled that appointment and stayed home praying I wouldn't get sick. Don't get me wrong I am still praying I won't get sick, especially because I have an oral surgery set up for Thursday and my parents are coming the week after that for Christmas.

On a totally unrelated note I wanted to jot this down just so I could remember it. Tonight as I sat with Leland singing to him (I often sing him 3 or 4 songs and rarely I will sing till he is asleep) I was overcome with how much love I feel for my little man. He is amazing people. He is funny and sweet, spicy and thoughtful and he knows just what to say to melt my heart and get what he wants, and man am I so grateful to have him in my life! He is my joy and I love him to bits. I am one lucky mama.

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