There are days....

When everything feels overwhelming. The slightest chore makes you want to cry and when your toddler insists that you do it, he is too tired pushes you to your limit. But today while it was one of those days, I realized something. For those of you who know me well, you know I can't throw up. It just doesn't work, my body refuses to let nature take its course when I get sick and thus I have created a real issue for myself when we are exposed to the sickness. Which we were recently by one of my sweet sisters boys. I can't tell you how many times I have repeated over and over "come what may, some day I will learn to deal with this sickness" in the last two days. But today I realized something a little bit more profound about myself, my love for my sister and my boy can transcend my fear of the pukes. Leland was the one directly "exposed" from hugs and possible kisses, and yet today when he wanted to be cuddled I fought the inner battle while holding him, realizing I can't not show my little love affection just because he might have been exposed to a sickness my mind makes SO sadly HUGE that I lose the ability to cope, and so when I would cuddle him or rub his back I would remind myself, I will be ok, regardless of what happens, it will be short lived and I will be ok. I realized this again as 3:30 came around and sister texted to ask me to cancel another one of her boy's doctors appointment because she was stuck at her appointment longer than she had anticipated, with her husband unable to help, and knowing that she had been stressed about the said boys situation I sucked it up and went to pick him up, even though she repeatedly told me not to (guess she should take me off the approved list is she doesn't want me to do doctors appointments with her kids ;)) and the whole time instead of feeling panicked I felt a peace, I was serving when it needed to be done, she hadn't dreamed of asking for it, because she knows my silly fears, but I knew she would rest better if I could fulfill this one need for her. And I am glad I did as he needed some medicine for his little lungs. She comes through for me all the time, and willingly serves even if it is the dreaded pukes and so I learned something valuable about myself today. I learned that I am driven more by love than by fear. That is pretty amazing because not too long ago I would have just cancelled that appointment and stayed home praying I wouldn't get sick. Don't get me wrong I am still praying I won't get sick, especially because I have an oral surgery set up for Thursday and my parents are coming the week after that for Christmas.

On a totally unrelated note I wanted to jot this down just so I could remember it. Tonight as I sat with Leland singing to him (I often sing him 3 or 4 songs and rarely I will sing till he is asleep) I was overcome with how much love I feel for my little man. He is amazing people. He is funny and sweet, spicy and thoughtful and he knows just what to say to melt my heart and get what he wants, and man am I so grateful to have him in my life! He is my joy and I love him to bits. I am one lucky mama.

Ugh....

My Leland goes to school in our school district for speech, it's an awesome program and we are lucky that he has an awesome teacher. His teacher asked me about 2 weeks before Max came if I would be interested in moving him from her class (which is a special ed only class and has about 8 or 9 kids in it) into an inclusion classroom. For those that may not know it speech classifies a child as Special ed, thus the inclusion classroom which is a fancy way of saying there are a few high achieving special ed kids in a class with "normal" functioning kids his age. I am all for this change, however, given the circumstances and all the changes at home I thought I would really like to wait a while and see how Leland handles the change, I expressed that to his teacher and told her I was fine to get the ball rolling (as with everything funded by the government there is a TON of paperwork for these poor teachers!) and we could put it on pause if Leland didn't handle it well, after all too much change makes most adults nervous and most of us have the ability to really understand whats happening, whereas a 4 year old has limited ability to really understand whats happening around him, even when you talk it over with them a million times their little mind just can't wrap around what is happening! I have noticed the typical regression behaviors around the house since things have settled and all our visitors and helpers have gone. For instance he used to wet the bed maybe once a month if that really he has been so good about it, but now its almost a nightly occurrence, and believe me, we have tried not giving him anything to drink 2 hours before bed time and it still happens, its gotten a little better and he is actually making it to the bathroom most nights now when/if he has to go, but holy frustrating batman! He has also become more defiant, normally I can ask him to do something and he gladly helps or does what ever is asked of him... Not the case these days he will yell in my face or tell me to do it. It gets old fast. These things are frustrating but totally expected. We have new boundaries in our house and that is tough for the little man, and shoot it's tough for me. I had hoped that things were still going well at school until today when I got the call from his teacher, she sounded nervous and I knew she was worried she would flip me out. (I guess I am that mom... the one that over communicates in hopes to make her job easier but really I just come off as a little obsessive, time to lay off the emails. :)) Luckily it was nothing huge but he has been more moody at school, crying easily and not participating when asked to. She was very kind about it all, but I can't help but feel like I suck as a mom. I know it's normal, I can say that till the cows come home, it doesn't make me feel any better. I guess I feel like I should have been able to prevent it all, which thankfully his teacher mentioned that if the child doesn't regress they usually think something is wrong on a bigger scale, so in a way I should be thankful he has regressed. A really long post to say that we postponed him moving classes until his ARD meeting at the end of January. When we meet then we will talk about him moving into the inclusion class, before that meeting I think he will spend two weeks going to the new class, which would mean new teachers and new kids. It will be interesting to see how well he handles the change, as well as how well I handle the change.

Can I also for the record say I hate that he has the label of special ed! I know it doesn't define him, as I was also in special ed, and this school record is closed out when he starts kindergarten, meaning that the teacher won't know about his special ed status unless he still needs help with speech. I realize that the above statement may make me sound mean and or judgmental, but I know how people react when I say that I was in special ed as a child, there is always this "no way..." reaction, when you can tell they are dying to know whats "wrong" with you. Well folks... Nothing is wrong with me. I am a slower learner than most which means I needed a little extra help in certain subjects and I did quite enjoy that hour of study hall in high school. But while I can explain that now easily I always felt like I was some kind of failure then, I wasn't as good as the other students etc. I suppose I really don't want Leland to feel like he isn't as good as other students, I know right now that's not the case, but if he continues in speech (which I honestly don't think there will be a need, he really is progressing nicely) he will start to feel it when he gets to the elementary school if that makes sense. I also feel like special ed can hinder an education, I guess now though they have a better understanding of it than they did maybe when I was in it. After all when I started the program it was 14 years ago, and when I look back I can honestly say that when I was in 8th grade and still having math lessons on adding and subtraction instead of getting pre algebra like my peers that that probably did more harm than help, since I struggled even more with my algebra classes and had to retake Algebra 1 since I did so poorly in it the first time around. I guess I am just worried about Leland having a label, but that is outweighed by how glad I am that he is learning to interact with all types of people and that his teacher (on a good day) writes notes home about how glad she is to have him in her class, that he is a good leader and friend to those in the class with more severe problems than he has. That is enough to make me proud of him and thankful that he has the opportunity to be in the program, I think beyond speech and learning to follow teacher guided activities he is learning that everyone is different, and how to be kind to everyone no matter the disability or label.

Maxwell's Blessing

Well yesterday we blessed our little guy at church. He looked pretty dang sweet in his blessing gown, one with lots of history and years on it. That little gown is over 60 years old. My mother Gretchen and her brothers were blessed in it. All of my siblings and I were blessed in it. All of my uncles children were blessed in it, as well as my sisters 5 kids and my others sisters 4 kids and now my 2 kids. I am unsure if Annie's little boy was blessed in it, but if he was that makes one more. It makes me happy to think that we have the opportunity to use such a special gown for the blessings, regardless of how many people asked me why my little boy was in a dress. Leland did remark as we were getting Maxwell ready that it was a "pretty girl dress."

Brian did a really excellent job on the blessing. He gets very nervous, and was worried

he would mumble, and while he did speak quietly it

was clear. He blessed our little Max to have strength and courage. A strong testimony and to make the right choices regardless of what others may think of him and to walk the narrow path. (hence why strength and courage are important.) That his Heavenly Father loves him, listens to him and will answer his prayers. A desire to serve others as well as serving a mission to share his gospel knowledge with others. And ended with the blessing that he will take his future wife to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. It was a great blessing and I couldn't be more blessed to have them both in my life. So grateful for the power of the priesthood and the blessings it brings into our lives.

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Interesting....

After Reading my friends birth story for her son, and a few others, mine included... isn't it interesting that we as women pass judgement on each other for how we choose to deliver our children, what method we use to feed them etc. instead of uplifting each other and supporting... We need to snap out of it and just love and support. There are enough things going on after you have a baby, worrying about what someone thinks or is going to say shouldn't be one of them. That is why I LOVE my kiddos doctor. At the one month check up he asked what I was feeding him and I said that today was the last day of supplementing with breast milk. I just don't have the supply and its so overwhelming and tiring to pump and remember to pump when you are out and about. I didn't even have to say that last part in my defense he just nodded noting that he remembered me being concerned about my supply and what formula was I using. No judgement, no questions. Just that he remembered (or had read in the notes before our appointment) that I had been stressed about my supply.

He's Just Punctual. (Very Wordy)

I know we are a month out but life gets amazingly busy and lets not even start with trying to find my groove... it's lost and may be forever. That is just how it goes I guess. Especially for those of us that had just found our groove! :) Maxwell Gene is here and I wanted to write a little bit of it down because lets face it I don't remember much of Leland's birth story, although I may post what I remember another day just so I have it!

Let me start by saying I started Braxton Hicks contractions at 28 weeks so I thought I was going to be a pro at this whole labor thing. I mean I never got to prove it with Leland since I only labored for 20 hours and it was mild, and then I went in for a c section. (10 of those hours I was sleeping with the help of some fabulous medicine, so not hard at all.) On top of the "fake" contractions "conditioning my body" I lost my mucus plug 5 weeks before Max was due. That said I felt so dumb as I told everyone I was sure I would have this baby any day SO not only was I disappointed but it seemed everyone else was too! I should also note we induced with Leland, so I had NO idea what to expect with labor and didn't want to be "that" mom who showed up to the hospital sure she was in labor only to be sent home. I would be embarrassed by that, because lets just say I have issues.

So my Mom came a week before my due date, because of a lot of different reasons, but the main one was I was struggling with daily life, let me tell you for those who come early or get induced its amazing how uncomfortable you get in just a weeks time. I for one was amazed at the difference between 39 weeks and 40!

So Tuesday the 27th I was willing to try anything to get this baby here. A lady in our ward swore by Castor Oil... I swear I will never touch the stuff again. Although it was nice to not have to worry about having a bowel movement while pushing, never again I say. We also tried some other things but that's just a TMI so moving on. Nothing happened. I felt out of sorts but the contractions just weren't happening. Around 2:30 on the 28Th, my actual due date, I woke up feeling terrible. Long wordy story short from 2:30 to 4:45 I paced my bathroom as the contractions got more and more painful I finally decided I would wake Brian up and just let him know I thought it was time to go, but I wanted to shower, but wanted someone else awake just in case anything went down. (hey I had just read a friends birth story where she had her baby in her bathroom....)

The shower was uneventful, I know you are all breathing a sigh of relief... But the contractions were coming closer together and were much more painful than before so I went to wake up Mom before getting ready myself. She was a nervous ball of energy excited to meet grand baby number 15. Brian the poor soul was not awake enough to deal with it all and instead of turning onto the right road to take Leland to Amy's he auto piloted towards the hospital. I was mid contraction trying to breath and not berate him, I only slightly succeeded at both mind you, but we got to the hospital after dropping Leland off in record time. Side note if your car has no shocks/ struts the ride is much worse than normal when you are in pain. :)

We got to the hospital around 5:45, got into a room around 6 and got all checked out and I was surprised to learn I was still only dilated to a 1, my first indicator that my body was taking its dear sweet time! I was certain they would send me home, I was also certain that in a few hours the pain would be more than I could handle without drugs. Doing a vbac means I was for sure getting an epidural, just in case we had to do an emergency c section, and I don't do well with pain, so regardless of how much better it is for the mother or the baby I was getting one! It was nice to use that as an excuse though...

My best friend Hope came up after she got done at work around 4ish in the afternoon to do birth photography for us. I am glad I had someone I loved and who loved me back to do that as it is SO personal and so incredibly humbling to have someone in the room who isn't blood or helped you get in the situation ;) I am glad to have the pictures even though I think I look terrible in them all. Let me just say the day progressed slowly water was broken at 10 am, I had the most fantastic nurse named Liz she reminded me of my dear friend Rosie, and when she left at 7pm she hugged us all and asked us to bring the baby by sometime since she was off the next 3 days. by 8 or 9 that night I was at my limit, I was a teary mess, I do not do well with endurance with no sure end in sight. Like if they had said, you will have this baby by midnight, I could have handled that so much better but the waiting was making things so much harder. I talked, scratch that, I cried while my Dad talked to me, trying to encourage me from California that I could do it, I felt better after having talked to him but still wanted a blessing. My greatest fear was that something wasn't going to go right or I was going to "fail" at my vbac attempt and have to have a section anyway after all that. So Hope's brother Ben came up and he and Brian blessed me and after that things seemed to pick up.

It was amazing to me that at 10pm when they said we were ready to start pushing how awake and ready I was to tackle that portion of the delivery. I had renewed purpose and the tears stopped, well mostly. They say its just pressure that you are feeling but even with an epidural pressure "hurts" especially when you are running on low epidural and need a "booster" but choose not to because you don't want to wait another 4 hours to walk. Pushing took 21 minutes, granted it felt like forever, but it wasn't. My nurse Jennifer, or was it Jessica... whatever kept telling me to give her all I had and I finally told her I was and to stop asking for it. That got laughs from some of the people in the room, but so did my repeated use of the word FLIP... Brian assured the nurses I was "editing" because my mom was there, which made all of them laugh. And there you have it. If you want the story of the afterbirth you will have to ask my Mom, she loves to tell the story... and so does my doctor. Fun times!

Maxwell Gene Hamilton born at 10:21 (or was it 10:12, I can't remember :)) 9 pounds 1 ounce 21 inches long. He just wanted to make sure he came when he was expected and join the small percentage of babies actually born on their due dates.

P.S. at some point during the day my epidural came unhooked and the medicine was going all over the floor. The only way we caught it was that I was suddenly in more pain than I wanted to be.... Do I get a discount on the epidural??? :)

Birthday Boy!

Leland turns 4 this month. He also gets a brother... Not sure how he feels about that last one... especially since his brother is due any day, and I personally think it would stink to have to share a birthday with a sibling. I love all of mine but it would still stink... I want my own day dang it! :) I can't believe how big he is getting or how handsome! Sure love this boy!

A few things he loves... Capitan America, Spiderman and above all IRON MAN! He is going to school partial day and learning all sorts of new things. He goes for speech and has a blast. He is one well loved boy and I am thankful for that! Also I love when he plays with his super heros that he talks deeper... thus making duck lips to achieve that goal... its darling!

The Mother of all TMI posts.

No seriously this is a TMI post so you may not want to read... its about labor stuff..... so be warned.

So last night, or really this morning at the unholy hour of like 2 or 3 whenever I was using the bathroom I noticed that I had lost my mucus plug. This is important to note because one I thought holy heck that is disgusting and two I just wanted to get back to bed as quick as possible, hence the reason I could have cared less about what had occurred. I waited till around noonish to discuss this with anyone that would actually know what the heck that is. I talked it over with Brian in the morning and just told him how gross it was etc but still it hadn't occurred to me that this could be the mucus plug, the thing my doctor doesn't put a lot of faith in it to mean labor will be coming within the next few days. So I wasn't too concerned with it. Only then I started noticing everything around the house that needed to be done and started to feel overwhelmed and then the panic kicked in. SO I will say this now. Sorry Mom... if you come and the house is a mess and in need of TLC I promise I have been working on it... but slowly. I was blessed tonight to not focus on that part of it but to focus on the blessing it is to have a baby SO I am working on that. Anywho the doctor did say that the baby could come anywhere between tonight and 3 weeks now that that's happened. I will keep ya'll posted I am hoping to get a few more things tackled and done before but what I really wanted to remember is that 1. Leland was super needy today. I think that was more of him just needing to know that I still loved him and I failed at the miserably for the first part of the day... Lots of yelling and not taking time for him. But by the end of the day I just sat with him on the couch and hung out. 2. My Dad was super proud of the fact that he knew what a mucus plug was, and what it meant (I for the record am super proud of him for that too... since when I talked to Brian about it he made all sorts of faces) and 3. That I have a wonderful sister who is keeping close tabs on me, and making me promise to take it seriously, while still offering any help I could need. She is pretty amazing.

Nerves

My little is experiencing the nerves of knowing something is coming... something big. I have been watching him over the last few weeks and have been amazed at his ability to try and process these things. For example, when Brian or I talk to him about the new baby he seems to be happy, if not a little bit nervous but in general ok with it. When other people talk to him about it he gets fidgety and often leaves the conversation. I don't know that he is quite ready to admit that we are getting a new baby. Among other things he has become overly clingy and has recently rediscovered his bear which has not left his sight the last few days. That was his lovey from a while ago, and for like 6 months he could have cared less where that sucker was. I guess I just worry about him and his reaction. He is what I would like to call my gentle giant, he is somewhat soft with those that are smaller than him and has recently taken a liking in his friends new brother. I just hope I do it right for him, meaning I do the transition right, I don't over baby him or under baby him and that he know without a shadow of a doubt that he will always be my baby. I will just have two of them now instead of one. and I want him to know that I will love him always and forever no matter what.

A few things recently that caught my attention when chatting with him.... Last Sunday the 17th we were talking, he was feverish and just laying on my lap and I was asking if I could get my baby anything. With that he sat up and looked at me and said I'm not the baby (pointing to my belly) that is, I am your boy Mom.

And tonight after a cranky Dad got home from work ( I would SO be cranky too after standing out in the heat all day... especially when at 9 am it was already 92 degrees) and had told Leland to get in bed and stay there I had gone to check on him. I walked in and asked if he was ok or needed anything and he just looked at me with sad eyes and said... "Daddy is ANGRY!" poor kid. I explained that Dad was just tired from work and would have had him come in and back me up be he was already in bed. I don't know that Leland has ever put that together so well before tonight. That when we get stern or louder we are more angry. And maybe he has, maybe tonight was the first time he dared to say so! :)

Random

I need to play catch up with things I want to remember, so while this may not interest most of you it will be a good record for me :)

Leland started swim lessons on Monday this last week, he calls his swim suit his "soup" and his fave part of the lesson is getting the grwings aka Rings that he gets to dive for.

He often tells me he wants to "Squeeze my butts" which translates into squeeze your guts, but it makes me dissolve into laughter every time.

He is obsessed with finding his Dad during the day and often asks me "where is my dad?" and then he tells anyone who will listen the rest of the day that his "daddy is at work" which makes me smile.

He has finally grasped that there is a baby in my tummy and yesterday his baby kicked his head while he was resting on my tummy playing a game on "his Ipad".... I guess I shouldn't have been worried about his dad stealing it after all, it seems I should have been worried about Leland :)

Leland has discovered he loves all Sowa "Soda" and often asks for it and will sometimes even eat something he doesn't want just to get a small glass of it, I have used this trick to get him to eat lunches and dinners, we still haven't branched out from Cereal and Mac and Cheese but we have moved on from Ritz.

He loves loves loves his gold fish, and I love that he does... i often find them stashed in different places around the house and while its slightly annoying I still think its cute.

He LOVES his old Sunday School teacher in our ward and runs to hug her when he sees her, his new teachers seem amazed by him, apparently on Sunday he told them he went swimming with dolphins.... which he didn't. But maybe he had a lovely dream about it ;)

While we were away in Hawaii, Leland stayed with his Mimi and Poppy Hamilton, they set up a tent for him with an air mattress and he was in HEAVEN! He loved it, he called it his cave. They also taught him to tell people where his dad and I were. When asked Leland would respond "Daddy's at the beach, Mommy's at the beach" every once in a while he would tag on "sharks are at the beach and turtles are at the beach but Zebras are at the Zoo". I am pretty sure they also taught him to say the Sun was still awake when we try to put him to bed before 8 p.m. He has also learned in their pool how to use a fun noodle like a kayak paddle when on a raft and can navigate the pool quite well.

On the third to last day of school they sent home a free admissions pass for the Dallas Zoo, Leland finding it in his folder brought it to me and said "look Mom the Zoo! lets go!" I explained that the Zoo closes at 5 p.m. and the animals were getting ready for bed by 7 p.m. he seemed very distraught and wanted to go anyways demanding "Lets just go now!" I think someone misses our many trips to the zoo that he used to have before he was put in school. I may brave the heat and take him for a morning sometime next week we shall see though, I want us both to live longer than next week!

I don't know if its the pregnancy hormones but the amount of love and overwhelming feelings that I am so glad Leland is mine ( I have always been glad, but I needed him to be asleep to feel them so strong ;)) Now I feel them most of the day. This child amazes me, he is growing and learning. He is already as tall as my belly button, and he fits in his almost 7 year old cousins clothes just fine. He is sassy and spunky and just an all around good kid. He loves quickly and if you find favor with him you can do no wrong. He loves his Aunties, both his real ones and his none real ones and often when entering Amy's home yells "Cousins I am HOME!!!!" And when his Hope (I have asked him about this, she is not mine she is his) comes over he says "Yay! Hopie is home!" I am glad he has so many wonderful people that love him and support Brian and I in the raising of him, the free babysitting and the loving on my little guy makes my heart all the more fond of those around him.

Things that make me smile

We took Leland to the ultra sound to see what we were having... figured it would be a fun experience for him since he is certain we are lying about where this said baby is coming from :) Both Brian and I were talking up the appointment, telling him how excited we were for him to see his baby brother or sister, and what a good brother he would be. When we pulled in he instantly asked... "I go with you?" which he asks most every time we stop the car, as if we have ever left him all alone in the car before... He makes me laugh. He ran up to the office door and tried with all his might to open the heavy door, finally allowing Brian to assist and when he ran into the waiting room yelled out " HEY BABY" the front desk ladies cracked up... Brian and I knew he was excited to finally find "his" baby not necessarily calling them baby... but we let them enjoy the compliment. As we were getting all ready for the ultra sound they had me pull up my shirt and push my pants low on my hips to clear the way and Leland became very concerned that my tummy was hurting... he kept asking "Mom... is dour tummy hurt" I kept telling him it was where the baby was... finally he got up and came over to rub my tummy, and when I asked if he was saying hi to his baby he asked again where he was. I replied in my tummy... Leland looked at me for a minute, then walked up by my head and said "open dour mouf" when I did and he couldn't see anything but normal mouth stuff he matter of factly said... "I check dour feet" and walked down and started wiggling them. Needless to say by the time the doctor came in Leland was no longer interested in what was going on and more and was happily eating his cookies in the chair. But Brian and I are happy to announce we are having another boy. I am waiting for the excitement to build :) I am just happy they reported that he looked great and healthy and he was right on target for the week we are at with no markers for down syndrome (whatever those are I am not sure, but the doctor seemed pleased). Anyhow I leave you with this little gem that Brian captured to send to me while I was out and about the other day. Made me really smile :)

My oh My!

Today totally overwhelmed. I have no idea why, my lists of the days events don't sound major at all compared to some of the days Leland and I have had. But my oh my, today delivered! I sat down to dinner late, like 7:45 late, and I all I had had for lunch was a bowl of fruit loops. I sat down next to my child who was still up 45 minutes past his bed time and refusing to sleep, and thought over the angry " I'm just done" comment I spewed to Brian over the phone out of frustration that I 1. just wished he was coming home, and 2 was just overly tired and hungry. After all he was just checking on my day before he went to hang out with his friends. And as I sat there I just started bawling. Leland instantly came over to see what was going on and he asked "why you cry mom... don't cry" and patted my leg. I couldn't get a grip on it. I just sat and cried and cried and while I cried Leland kept inquiring as to what happened or if I was ok... he had climbed up into my lap and put his arms around my neck and told me to stop crying, he's ok. and that made me smile.... And I thought we are ok. Its ok for me to cry a little now and then with no real reason, we will still be ok... and with that he asked me to lay by him in my bed, on dads side... Thats his favorite place to sleep after all... On dad's side... We are all good... Leland is fast asleep on his dad's side and I am just unwinding from a long day... and planning to go lay next to my sweetest little in a bit...

Odd....

So I have this odd feeling like this new baby, while I am totally excited to be having it... is encroaching on my time with my current baby. Doesn't that just sound awful. I guess I will just have to make time for 1 on 1 time with me and my big boy when the new baby comes... that won't be hard because Brian is a baby hog... until they need their diapers changed... ;)

Just a little something....

That melts my heart and makes me smile every time I see it!

My boy loves to read...

I know I said I wouldn't play catch up....

But these are first day of school pictures for Leland.

He was so excited his first day, couldn't believe he was lucky enough to ride a bus! We got him all ready then waited patiently for the bus to come. We kept look out in our front room. Once he saw that bus he was gone! So excited he ran the whole way there.

Ms. Chris and Ms. Georgie are his bus driver/ helper. We adore them. They are patient with him, since the novelty of the bus has worn off some days are really challenging to get him on the bus if we can get him on it at all.

And his seat on the bus even comes with a seat belt. He was pretty stoked to be on a bus!

Since then things are going well he has speech a couple times a week. He is making great progress. Talking a lot more and in sentences instead of just demands. I couldn't be prouder of my smart kiddo. Love him to bits!

HI

Its been a long time since I have posted regularly and I think I just feel too guilty about not posting enough or catching up... SO I am not going to catch up... just start over. :) I have too much to worry about without worrying about the blog.

Today was an interesting day. It went from being 85 to 45 and overcast. I don't mind... heavens knows I don't want the summer to start too early... that would be miserable. But it totally corresponded with my mood. I currently dislike going to church... NO I am not going inactive, I just hate going without Brian and because of his school schedule he is currently working Sundays. Thankfully he graduates in May, but it makes going to church a lot more challenging. My son makes it extremely difficult to be patient, I love him to bits... but he has all of my spunk and independence bottled up inside of him (today as we were late because I was making carrot cake, which I don't even like mind you) but today as we were walking in late to sit with Ame's family as I opened the door (thankfully they were still singing) Leland said totally loud "I'm Here Guys!" and took off to go sit by Ame... which was fine... and everyone who heard him had a good laugh... as I just shook my head and smiled. But then I felt like the whole time I was sitting there I was being judged, he was squirmy and couldn't sit through the prayers for sacrament and got really excited about his water... which he totally said loudly as well. I know its all in my head but its still there. Church is hard for me. I feel totally alone in the ward unless I am with Ame, I know this is not true. That people have tried to reach out but because of our schedule being so different we just can't connect, or not having a car or whatnot. It gets old feeling alone on Sunday's and its hard. And yes I realize thats my fault but still.

I spent two hours this morning making carrot cake... I don't even like carrot cake. But apparently I make a good carrot cake (thanks mom for the recipe) its all from scratch and takes a while and a lot of dishes especially when you are having to grate your own carrots.... And then the plans we had for the cake got cancelled and I was really looking forward to them. I am sure something important came up but still I was ticked that I had made this cake because of special request and now Brian would eat like one row and be done with it.... Not to mention this then meant I had to make dinner. But whatever... trying to be positive.

Then we had some Elders stop by. I am not sure why they keep stopping by but they do... and always on Sunday when they know Brian is at work. Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to catch him at home? Its odd really, they come and stand on my porch and we visit for a while,... they courtesy laugh a lot... and then I tell them nope there really is nothing they can do for me and they go. Its always pleasant but I always feel like they wonder how sane I am when they go. Oh and I ranted about the carrot cake to them... ended it with thats probably just the irrational pregnancy hormones talking, to which one of them said... No it sounds perfectly rational... It made me laugh.

Oh which brings up another concern... I am 20 pounds heavier than I was with Leland... what if I don't show... I realize to all you skinny mini's out there this doesn't matter.... but I would really like to show... I also realize that I am only 13 weeks so it will be a while... but still.

Anywho life goes on... I am trying to change my attitude, its not working.... SO I think I will go dye my hair or sit in a tub... something, anything to try and change how horribly depressed I feel.....

Note I totally didn't proof this before pushing post... but ya'll will survive right?

Announcements...

Leland would like to announce that he is going to be a....

Its still really early in the pregnancy but I have never been one to keep it quiet for too long. One more month and we are at 12 weeks (thanks for catching that Stacey)....

Finally a new post!

Well its been a long time in the making this post back in November I had Leland screened for a speech disorder and they found that it would be a good idea to do a full evaluation so we had that scheduled in January. That eval went smoothly and they also found that he would benefit from some help in those areas SO we set up the ARD (asses, review, dismissal) meeting to figure out when my little boy would start preschool with speech help. I knew it would be 5 days a week for 3 hours a day, but I didn't realize we would be playing by the grown up kid rules. We are... My boy can't miss a certain number of days, has to be on time and have his absences excused. I'm not sure why this makes a difference but I immediately thought no more Zoo days.... :( Maybe its just because it makes my little 3 year old seem so big. Since we only have one car he will be taking the bus... I am torn people. I know this is going to be great for him! He will learn so much and grow a lot and that is whats important. But the other part of me is thinking of how many times I have said we just need to let our kids be kids... take them places, get them "unplugged" and let them develop like we did when we were kids.... The nice thing is, if at any point I feel like he needs to be out of school like for good I just have to write a letter expressing that he won't be coming any more. Which likely won't happen as I have heard such good things about this program I am excited that he got into it. That they were understanding about our inability to get him to his "Home Elementary school" which is almost a mile away, and that we also wouldn't be able to get him to school ourselves because we have one car only and Brian has that most of the time. SO he will get picked up at our home for the time being, hopefully that will continue for the remainder of the time he is at school or we remain a one car family. We met Leland's teacher today, and Leland was able to meet her too, and see the class room and all that. It was fun to watch him be so excited about everything. It was fun to watch Mrs. Mary watch him and do a quick analysis of what she thought of our sweet boy. She mentioned she thought he looked like one smart kid and I have to admit I enjoyed that. He will be in good hands with her. I am glad of that, it will make it easier to think of him being such a little guy at such a big school! Ok its not huge but its pretty big for being an Early Childhood School granted it serves the whole district but still he is small... well sort of. Its a blessing that is for sure. I am sure the days will get easier and I will enjoy having the time to organize and get things finally put in their own place! I adore my little tank and I am excited for him to start this new chapter even if it means I cry when he goes... and feel lonely while he is gone. I think he will benefit, he will be able to communicate and I think that little mind of his will just take off! :)