Saturday, January 23, 2010


Ok so I know that most of you don't want to hear my sob story, and most of you have better sob stories but with that said I just need to put out there some feelings.... over the past four days I have convinced myself multiple times a day that I really could /could not be pregnant. Yes you read that right, I was 4/5 days late and I was sure that was a sign... Why isn't my body responding to the clomid like it used to? Why do I feel crazy? Yeah and it was in that moment that I felt totally broken and I dreaded talking to Brian, I didn't want to tell him I wasn't pregnant because I could see it written all over his face the excitement that it might actually be happening and I told him anyway cause how do you hid it when you are already a crying mess in the bathroom, and he just hugged me and told me we have time. And its so true we do, we have plenty of time, he is happy with what we have (even though he LOVES babies... this was news to him as he was never around them growing up) He will love me even if we have to adopt some day and that will be fine. (you know you always say you would adopt in a heart beat, but once you are struggling with infertility its like an emotional roller coaster... I am sure I will get there... )

I realized tonight though that I had more little tender mercies... I have a Lord who is aware of my hurts and my sadness when I have to go through these ups and downs.... I have someone to talk to through it and tell Him my fears and hopes and not be told "don't worry it will happen" or "you haven't even been through what other people have" He just knows that this is hard for me. He knows that every time I see a little baby my heart aches and He has given me friends to uplift and help me along this path. He has given me a sister who has been through it who gets the ups and downs, and I totally get now why she texted all of the heart wrenching tidbits, you have to share it with someone who loves you more than you sometimes realize. I have been given wonderful blessings and need to just be patient and I am sure I will receive more. And that is Dang hard my friends. It helps to have such a beautiful boy who constantly reminds me he loves me even when he decides to act like he may have spawned from somewhere else. I have a husband who supports me and lets me cry about nothing even if it makes him nervous. I am so lucky to have what I have. And to receive tender mercies like I had last week at church to re read my patriarical blessing and see the words your children multiple times. Sometimes its really hard to see the silver lining and sometimes its so simple... I hope that I can look for the silver lining more often... so that I can be the wife and mother I am supposed to be.


Lindsey Phillips said...

I'm here if you want to talk!

Jules said...

That totally bites! I was so hoping this was THE month. As you and your sister know, this is an incredibly tough rollercoaster to be on..grieving (rightly so) every month without a 2nd line. You will be in my prayers!

Alison said...

I teared up reading this (don't hold that against me). You're a strong lady, even though you may not feel like you are sometimes. You can do it! (I know--cheesy--but it's true.)

Love you!

Erin Lafleur said...

What a blessing to have such a great husband to love and support you when you feel like the world is falling apart. I pray your prayers will be answered soon.

*Sending you HUGS across the miles*

Ann said...

Allie BaBa - This killed me reading through this. I hate that you have to go through this. I'm also so sorry that you are.

This may not be much comfort, but this is what I learned from my situation: Know that it is for your good and that Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than what we can deal with. You are strong. You will learn loads while in this situation. Heavenly Father has a plan for you. Keep the faith It will happen. You will be blessed.

My favorite scripture during this time: Submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Doesn't sound uplifting, but whenever I thought of this, I thought of all the struggles that those before us went through and for some reason, it made it easier to cope. Did I still cry - oh yes.... It is very emotional.

Anyway, with all that said, I love you tons. I pray for you every night. Share anything you want with me. Call me any time of day or night. I'll be here. Always. Love you, sis!!!